Teaching from the Inside Out

“Your students never showed up.  We waited nearly an hour”

This was the e-mail I received after a big piano event.  I was so bummed out.  Over booked children and unrealistic expectations of what piano entails. Piano takes a lot of preparation before one is ready to play a piece at performance level.  It is all on the child, there is no team of people there to catch any slack or sitting on the bench due to lack of preparation.  Therefore, a student will spend months and a dominant amount of time in lessons reviewing and preparing a piece.  When the performance is missed I usually fight the urge not to call the parents ranting.  Well would you look at that?  I’m totally ranting and if there is one thing I know - it's never about the other person.

Shall I travel to the heart of this issue?  I realized from this experience that no learning is ever lost.  Therefore, if a student plays for an event we spent hours preparing or if they just move on to the next piece having learned what was required does it really matter how they arrived?   

Who am I trying to please?   

What am I trying to gain by putting more things on already over scheduled families?  

 Sure, the students beef up their practicing before a public performance but who does that benefit?   

Is that for my benefit?   

Is that so parents can feel their money was well spent?  

 Is it so the child will feel good about sharing their gift?  

 If I am really honest, I would think the answer is a bit of all of it.  And then the question begs, but is this what I want my teaching career to be?

I taught music many years in private schools.  The small school atmosphere was nice but my job never felt like it was teaching music - the nuts & bolts, and the ups and downs of creativity.  I found myself preparing for one public event after another.  Most of the events were to bring in parents and grandparents who were ultimately sent invitations to donate to the school.  My passion with music soon became an act of public relations and I didn’t like it.  It wasn’t me.  I wasn’t living from the inside out.  Yes, there were definite moments of joy and talent development!  Seeing the children become attached to the love of music, learning how to motivate children to sing, applying my skills learned in college, and feeling the satisfaction of a job were all lessons I needed and appreciated. 

I recalled saying to a colleague, “You know my favorite part about chapel is when I work one-on-one with a child so they play a little something while people walk in for the chapel service.”   Her response was a solid, “Then that is what you should do.”  I’ll never forget it.  She gave quiet permission to what my inner voice was screaming.  Despite the beautiful families I met, the opportunities I had to get to know cool people, my heart never sang so loudly as when I encouraged a student who had a few piano lessons under their belt by either playing with them or encouraging them to play a little something – no matter how silly or non-perfected it was.  Before my eyes I was having fun and they were too.  We sparkled.  It was fun.   It was on the spot creative.  I wanted more of that.  I wanted more of that fairy dust that sprinkles over us that most people may not see.  I craved more of those life altering moments that don’t make the public events.

As I began teaching on my own I brought all of the public relation habits with me and slowly moved away from those little moments.  Usually no one saw them and I doubted if people would think I could really teach if there was no “proof.”  Many stresses and tears later, I realize now that teaching from the inside out is who I am.  I teach from a spiritual place.  Music is healing and to forget that in my work is sad.

And so – the experience where the students didn’t show for a piano event brought me back to my inner truths.  

I love teaching – one-on-one. 

I love seeing a student learn. 

Music is healing. 

I am called to teach. 

Thank you to God and all the beings in my life who have supported and still support my gifts and talents.  My I be that being for someone else.

And so it is.  Amen.

by Lori Portka on Etsy

I'm Not Good Enough to Sing

"Culturally we've been scared away from our creativity by what my dear friend Julia Cameron, the author of The Artist's Way, calls creativity monsters--the voices from the past and present who criticize, attack, ridicule, and judge us, and who banish us from owning and expressing our creativity with joy and abandon....  They're the people who imply that creativity must be "good" in order to be valuable, who subject your work to public appraisal before you're allowed to join the club...

One of the problems that distances so many of us from our creative Spirit is the notion that being creative is synonymous with being a professional or an aspiring artist.  It's not.  It simply means making something new out of something that presently exists."

The Answer is Simple...Love Yourself, Live your Spirit!   Sonia Choquette

One of my older adult students often comments about singing – how she would love to sing, how she admires others who sing, but she herself does not have that gift.  Having heard her singing a bit in piano lessons I wondered why she was so hard on herself.  She sings on pitch and it’s a unique voice. 

In another lesson a first grader noticed the microphone sitting to the side of the piano and spoke about it for the first time.  I asked her if she would like to sing and she said that she’s uncomfortable singing.  She didn’t think she was any good.

A young adult has sung for weddings and in choirs, but admits in a small voice that her voice” wasn’t that good.”

I marvel at how three different students and ages six, twenty-three, and forty-two could have the same thoughts about themselves.  How they all have an innate yearning to sing, to express their own voice, not just allow someone else to speak for them.  And yet, they look around to see if anyone is looking who will not like it.  The sing with one eye open to the critic bound to appear.  And eventually, that critic becomes the voice in their own head.

Our culture of criticism regarding creative expression saddens me.  Judges of this, that, and the other believe they know where true beauty and art lie.  I always chuckle to myself.  If I go to a music college I will receive one answer and if I go to a pop recording studio I will receive another.  In a certain church I am a piano genius while in another, merely an amateur.   If we don’t naturally fit in these boxes we give up.  We figure the critics are right.  Why expose ourselves to more hurt?  The more we try to make our creative gifts fit into a box that has been built by someone else, either the less we will sing or the more we continue to sound like someone else.  I’m tired of acting, thinking, and trying to look like someone else in my own life.  I don’t want my son to feel he must be someone else to earn my love and approval.  In turn, my students need not sound like me, their church singers, or someone on the radio for me to love and be genuinely moved by their talents.

I consider myself, on occasion, a bit of a music snob.  It takes a lot for someone’s singing or playing to move me.  I can appreciate technical abilities, yes, but I’ve heard so many good players and singers that I tend to turn a deaf ear to a “good sound.”   It never ceases to amaze me the moments that catch me by surprise and I am moved.  A young student, about twelve or thirteen year old, was living house to house each week as a result of her parents divorce.  I saw a lot of stress in her life and did my best to help her enjoy singing.  She would take a deep breathe to sing and this tiny voice would flutter its way into the air and putter out.  She was defeated in her heart and it showed in her voice, literally.  One day I told her, as I’ve told so many students since then, “Everything you sing gives voice to where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.  No one has your life therefore no one has your voice.  It doesn’t matter the words you are singing in this moment, it matter that you embrace who you are.”  And so she sang and I was moved to tears.  I don’t remember what she sang or how good or bad the rhythm was.  I just remember that I heard, and maybe she did too, her.  It was the real her, the part of her that has so much to teach me and everyone in ear shot if they are willing to listen. 

I shared with my older student, afraid and convinced she could not sing the story of the first grader.  She covered her mouth with a gasp and tears filled her eyes.  She understood that she and the first grader had much in common.

We are told from an early age by people or society in general, that creativity is only good if it translates to popularity and success.  It is worth doing only when it is done correctly from beginning to end, otherwise, why bother?   Why be creative for your own pleasure?  Our culture pushes down the need of using creativity to move closer to God and our life purpose and instead, deems only valid those things which bring us trophies, material successes, and popularity.  As stated so eloquently here by Parker J. Palmer in his book Let Your Life Speak, “The difficulty is compounded by the fact that from our first days in school, we are taught to listen to everything and everyone but ourselves, to take all our clues about living from the people and powers around us.”

The more we “chase” those things that fill our soul and give it natural expression, the more we send ourselves the powerful message that what we have to offer the world is of value, even if no one else sees it.  Chances are if a student is stifling their creativity with music lessons, they are doing it other places as well.    I’m reminding of the Bible verse “Seek first the Kingdom of God…”  Yes, seek first to give voice to the spirit of God that resides in all of us.  Give it words, colors, or movement.  Let it sing.  You might be surprised how much you have been wanting and needing to say.  It may also amaze you how it can bless others.

It is rare to find that student who seems to have no self-criticism to block their inner flow of music.  I had a student once, and the best way to explain her gift was to say that I wasn’t teaching her anything.  I was only asking her to remember what she already knew.  It was as if she had been playing before because her brain and her body just knew what to do after I showed her once.  She was open to learning, I never saw her hang her head in shame or say “I’m sorry” for a mistake made while learning.  What a wonderful gift this student was to my life.   Being prideful and full of self-condemnation are two sides of the same coin.  That is the coin of blockage.  Both keep us from allowing our inner spirit to shine through.  Let us be so tender with ourselves and our children.  We never know in what moment their soul will choose to express itself.  When a person knows they are loved and safe, it is amazing what will bloom.

The next time you feel prompted to sing, write, or play – anything creative – take that moment and do it.  There is something inside of you that needs to come out.  Don’t judge it or try to make it perfect, just let it come out.  I will be cheering.

Why Am I Writing This Blog?

Today is my birthday.  I am 39 and pumped.  Since I was 30 years old I would admire women in their 40's.  Why?  Because those women who didn't give up on themselves, stayed true to their being, and evolved,  kick ass!  They are beautiful, graceful, loving, and set firm boundaries of self-care.  These women of whom I speak are less concerned with climbing the social and carrer ladder and more devoted about finding out why they are here and how they can be of service. 

I am writing this blog because I am becoming less afraid.  I am becoming the kind of woman I want to be.  I'm not all the way there, yet.  But my goal is to be 100% me to everyone I meet.  I will speak more of this in another post.  But for now, I just want to come out of the spiritual closet!

I am writing this blog because I am evolving.  As I do so, I feel compelled to share with the world these changes.  It helps me articulate what is in my head.  It gives voice to those who feel as I do but are afraid.

I am a natural teacher.  I teach music and it bring me great joy to do so.  It is a natural extension to share my learning with other on a blog.

I love to read and share my thoughts on books.  I love to do book reviews because it expands my awareness to others.  I enjoy reading book reviews and I hope mine are enjoyable and informative to read.

The world needs honest, positive, voices.  I see much condemnation, self-judgement, and low self-worth today.   It is my goal to share my thought and opinion with the light of love and self-respect. 

Standing In My Truth - In Love and Prayer

This week some students and I parted ways.  We did so amicably and I am grateful to God for this blessing.  Prayer in every words and action and sending love before is powerful.  God’s love heals, forgives, and strengthens us in our weakest moments. 

Without a doubt, the hardest aspect of teaching for me is when I see a child in stress or severe fatigue.  For years I thought that was how it was supposed to be, this was what it meant to rear children in today’s modern, fast-paced world so they could handle the challenges that come their way.  Then later as I dealt with my own issues of adrenal fatigue and lack of sleep it became very clear that this was not what God intended for the lives of our children or us.  Suddenly, the families I admired for their worldly successes, the mothers I compared myself to I did no longer.   Seeing in my own students the stresses and fatigues I dealt with myself seemed like cruelty now -  not a track to better and more successful living.  It seemed they were working harder, but not smarter although their test scores would prove me differently.  I started caring less about their test scores and more about their emotional well-being.  I was more concerned with finding inspiration , a smile, joy in their playing than where they went on vacations and their most recent GPA.  As I began caring about my own heart I started really seeing theirs.  The hard part was when I would explain my observations to their parents only to see them turn and find something else for their child to do. It is very easy to find teachers more than willing to take “successful” students so they were never far away from someone wanting them in their studio or on the team.

I realized by using words like “prayer”, “intuition,” and phrases like “I sense that” I was breaking the cardinal rule of teaching – becoming involved.  Since I had a personal studio, I began to responsibly own the power granted me to nurture those who were still finding joy or looking for joy,  in their playing.  I stopped being run by the machine in my own studio as I did in the corporate world.  I began to look within for my own truth about situations.  At first, I would look to older, more experienced teachers, not only for their mentoring, but for their approval.  I wanted to know what a good teacher and copy their formula – exactly, to the letter.  I forgot, along the way, to even consider that I already was a good teacher who just need polishing.  I was not someone with out inner guidance and the power to stand in my own philosophies about children and living.  I was afraid if my inner spirit influenced my teaching I would not have "successful" students.

One of my dear friends questions the system of why is it we as teachers are to be ranked as “good” for a child to receive high school credit in piano.  If the child does the work, does it matter how “good” the teacher is?  I loved the question and it has permeated into so many areas of my life.  If a student *really* loves piano, I could honestly know very little.  Sure, they would have some musical holes, but their passion - I firmly believe – would see them through and guide them to the right people along their way.  I know that is what happened to me. 

It is my responsibility with my own child to stay aware of what his life purpose is.  It is not for me to decide it, determine it,  or block it, just to nurture it.  How many parents really consider this?  Today I heard a podcast encouraging teaching children to meditate.  I’m sure none of my students meditate.  In fact, I need to be cautious of the word.

Letting a student leave for the right reasons only to see them continue with someone else for the wrong ones is difficult because I care.  However, to freeze it in time and give it a label is not fair to myself or them.  It only serves to inflate my ego and condemn their spirits.  I choose instead to honor myself, in that I spoke my truth in this situation instead of being intimidated.  I am grateful to God things were resolved peacefully and without conflict.  I continue to pray for the children and their parents as they maneuver through life. I was blessed to have them because they taught me just as I taught them.   We are all on a journey and this is theirs.  My goal in their life was completed and now very apparent – for them to know that joy and inspiration is important in life.  And so it is.

Things Your Piano Teacher Will Not Tell You

The quotes that spurred this rant/epiphany/growth:

"When I wasn't hiding anything any longer, when I wasn't trying desperately to appear sane or put together or profound, I had nothing to lose. And I began to trust something even more fundamental than my craziness: my basic sanity."

Geneen Roth Lost and Found

"Culturally we've been scared away from our creativity by what my dear friend Julia Cameron, the author of The Artist's Way, calls creativity monsters--the voices from the past and present who criticize, attack, ridicule, and judge us, and who banish us from owning and expressing our creativity with joy and abandon....  They're the people who imply that creativity must be "good" in order to be valuable, who subject your work to public appraisal before you're allowed to join the club...

One of the problems that distances so many of us from our creative Spirit is the notion that being creative is synonymous with being a professional or an aspiring artist.  It's not.  It simply means making something new out of something that presently exists."

The Answer is Simple...Love Yourself, Live your Spirit!   Sonia Choquette

I don't create the desire for music - I can only nurture and support it.

Adult students show me that desire and passion overrule any preset rules about music education as child.

Music will call the child to it.  The music calls you - you do not call it.  This is why parents can't MAKE their children want to practice or love music.

Outside events and recitals build skills - but they don't build passion and love for the art of music.  Task oriented/checklist kids like these -but it doesn't mean they love music and creativity.  It could be they are too busy to relax and enjoy the process.  It could also mean it's just not there and piano is just one more thing they need to learn (to be well-rounded and smart, right?).

Who gives a shit if music raises test scores?  Just sayin'.

If, in their lesson,  your child can't tell a note from a piece of broccoli, they are too freakin' tired.  Nothing will go in.  Stop wasting everyone's time and put them to bed to restore.

There is no such thing as quitting piano- everyone quits and begins something.  It's called life cycles and seasons.

My desire for student approval, parent approval, and peer approval no longer dictate my teaching.  I have something that tops all of those: my experience, the gift of prayer, and intuition.

Stressful lessons come from the teacher (me) wanting the students to be "ready" for the next piano event.  Who cares?  I mean if they are ready then great.  If they are not?  Maybe they will be in a few months or next year.

I am not a students' God - I'm just a facilitator of the gift of music. [ BIG difference.]

You can show children pathways and possiblities - absolutely but ultimately - their calling comes from God. 

If you feel led to put your child in piano - then do it.  If you feel led to take them out - do that too.  There are no quitters in life, just people who are stubborn to start or stop something because they refuse to listen or pay attention to the ebb & flow of life.

I don't need to have my students in a "certain" recital, program, or association - to prove to you that I am a good teacher.

I feel good when I let go of thinking a student should be "here" or "there" by x date.

I feel good when I accept that a student may never be into piano.

I feel good when I show unconditional love to all students - regardless of ability.

I feel good when I honor a students' creativity and desire.  Conversely, I DON'T feel good when I make them learn stuff just to have it learned by a stupid date, at the expense of them playing something they truly love.

I feel good when I remember that I make a living teaching music and being a damn good musician - despite the fact I had "cheap" and supposedly unqualified teachers - by today's standards anyway.   I had NO lessons in high school because my parents didn't really care.   AND - I ended up with a music scholarship to college.  Therefore, what do I know about what makes a good musician as a child?