I am somehow coming undone this afternoon. It feels I cannot get enough time and space to just breathe. I have had a very busy, although fulfilling weekend. I walked my husband through his baptism, visited a friend, had time to enjoy a nice breakfast and coffee, washed clothes, exercised - all those good and necessary things. But somehow, the day went by so quickly and I feel like I need more. I need more time.
I know what the real culprit is. I know what it draining my energy like a tiny hole in a bucket. All my bible studying today doesn't want to fill me like usual. I am bothered that there are people who are gossiping about me. I am upset because although I am choosing to love in this situation, there is a part of me that wants to hold a press release and tell the real story, broadcasting it on the nightly news. Man, I would feel so much better.
I took a free sample read of Antagonists in the Church. I guess I will have to buy the thing to figure how to deal with it, but so far they nail my gossipers on the head. It's kind of uncanny how well personality types can be put in boxes.
I did a little reading in my Made to Crave book because when my wounded self comes out, the food wants to go in.This helped me get out of the kitchen. I refuse to overeat.
This discussion by Father Robert Barron seems to be nailing it for me. It's hard to be one of those real, live, Christians. It's so warm and fuzzy when I can be there for a friend, when I can love those around me the way they deserve. But then there are days like these when I can hear Jesus saying, "Are you sure you want to be a Christian?" He brings us to Job where his suffering is based in God's permissive will. I recognize that a lack of prosperity, even emotional, is a way for God to "rightly order my soul." It makes my life, "in a spiritual sense, joyful." St. Thomas More, an important player in the court of Henry the 8th lost everything! His home, his status, and in the end, his life. However he was PROSPEROUS and understood the true treasures that come from heaven.! Another scholar, St. Thomas Aquanis would ask, "Why do wicked people seem to prosper?" Aquanis reaches to God's perspective. The wicked person might even be punished by their prosperity which I will call today - a free pass to gossip with no seeming consequences for themselves. Why? The material things could take him away, or make it harder for him to understand the spiritual things. It's worth a listen.
Note: If you aren't Catholic, these names might be unfamiliar. I'm not trying to say that St. Thomas More should have killed Protestants, but he died because he was not allowed to practice his faith in God and that boldness is inspiring.
In this I rest my head and move on with my day. I move with a sense of enlightenment about pain and suffering. In my weakness, God is made strong. May the words of my mouth (public) and the meditations of my heart (private) by acceptable to God.